If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
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I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.