He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
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girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.