“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.