Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
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I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“you recording!?”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting