*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind