Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
You Might Also Like
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
bears
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.