They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
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*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
fly smarter, not harder
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.