I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
#TopTip
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.