[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
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Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?