SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
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Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”