have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
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My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.