“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
You Might Also Like
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!