Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
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WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔