3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
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”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
it鈥檚 date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Lmao
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I鈥檓 going to jail.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
#polloftheday
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 馃槈
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren鈥檛 liars like you & me.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can鈥檛 have any more treats until she loses some weight
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Found some beef jerky under my kid鈥檚 pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!