The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Breaking news:
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’