Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
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Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents