The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
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When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
If you had more money you’d be happier.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
A friend helps you before you need it
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.