“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
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Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.