Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
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Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Unexpected Judgment
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.