The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
You Might Also Like
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Xylophonist Shredding It
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Generation gap…
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.