Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
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Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
never forget
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
bias laundering edition
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.