[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
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[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.