Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
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My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
the short answer to this question
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.