A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
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how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
$3 #books
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Wise advice
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
idk what he going thru but i feel him