I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
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Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.