I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
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Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
real
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
won’t smith
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.