My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
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If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
where the womens at?
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
they split up moments later
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂