Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
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I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense