Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.