Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
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Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I used to be married, but I’m better now
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.