3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
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never ask a starfish for directions
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.