馃ぃ馃ぃ
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馃憙馃徎: what are you wearing?
馃構: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
A family that plays together cheats.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It鈥檚 PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I鈥檓 beat, I鈥檓 going to lie down in the corner
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don鈥檛 you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
the #horror is real!
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they鈥檙e not really free weights.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
When I was 22 I鈥檇 stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there鈥檚 more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
gf: where鈥檚 that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what鈥檚 in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Just grow your own
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Wifi so slow at my parent鈥檚 house that we actually got to know each other better.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Real House Wines.