3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
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Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
mathematically impossible
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true