I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
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Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.