wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
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The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
the three branches of government
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.