[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
You Might Also Like
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…