Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
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Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft