[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
You Might Also Like
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
finally
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!