You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
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Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.