You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
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You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.