Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
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Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Britain be like
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
This is sending me to another galaxy
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies