Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
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Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?