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Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
What even happened today?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.