In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
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The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
ACED my prostate exam!
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?