Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Not today
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on