throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
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[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Cake safety first. Always.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?