2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
You Might Also Like
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
“What?”
– Jude
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point