Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
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Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
me after eating Cheetos
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!