(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?