I can’t deal with men any longer
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[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk